Constantly Looming

Constantly Looming

“It's constantly looming. Breathing. Dark, heavy breaths down the back of my neck. That feeling like your being watched but much more sinister. Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, and PTSD are a gang of unruly bullies that are hell-bent on causing as much disaster as possible.

PTSD reared its head, and I learned it's name last year. I never knew it was there, hiding behind the other bullies as a silent ringleader until someone pointed out the looming shadow. Once I knew it was trailing along with the others, the signs of it's existence became more and more clear. Signs from before my diagnosis, and signs from after. Luckily, usually it stays away from me unless something brings it to the front of the pack. Usually a trigger, sometimes egged on by the others.

I met depression in high school. It was a cold steel embrace and a dark corner I could hide in. I submitted to it's pressure. Maybe I was Bipolar then too? But I was just recently informed of that existence. Depression is always looming. Asking for my hand in death, and berating me at every turn, over every mistake. It's so easy to listen to that you almost forget that you and Depression are separate. 

Anxiety has always been smaller than the others...but it tagged along with depression like a lost puppy. If depression wasn't laying into me, you could bet your ass anxiety would. But it's never as bad as the others can get. It has its moments though, almost like a steroid shot that makes it momentarily so strong that the other mental illnesses are almost forgotten. Except for depression. These two egg eachother on like buddies playing a drinking game about who can make me suffer more. 

There's one more illness that I failed to mention. It doesn't wreak as much havoc as the others. It's like a minor annoyance but when it and anxiety get together, it can turn downright brutal. That's right, I'm talking ADD. 

The racing thoughts, inability to concentrate, and broken social interactions are a pain, but throw anxiety in there with it and it's like everything is moving too fast and too slow at the same time. I'll always have to deal with ADD, but when Anxiety goes at me, usually ADD will join in and make it hard to concentrate even MORE then before. 

Since therapy and having a psychiatrist who is attentive to my needs (and meds), as well as a firm support system, all of these illnesses have become more manageable. I'm learning how to avoid them, or counteract them. But some times you just have to let them rage until they tire themselves out. 

I'm proud to say I'm alive. Some of these illnesses can be downright murderous if they're not managed, as I learned on March 31st/April 1st when I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I'm here. I'm alive. And I'm trying to survive. Hopefully one day I'll thrive, but that is still a ways off. Every day is a battle against the imbalances in my mind, but I'm finally in a place where I can say, I'm ok. For how long? Who knows. But I'm okay now. That's what matters.”

Submitted By: Teddy Williams